24 Replies to “The Avoidant Partner: How To Respond When Your Partner Is Evasive”

  1. Avoidant in order to prevent gossip and being vulnerable…..Looking at people and just knowing "why bother" …they wont understand anyway

  2. The more I learn about the attachment styles, the more I can see, how certain types of it, get "inherited" through the family. Both my mother and father have been raised by dismissive/avoidant parents, who did not pay attention and care for the feelings of their child, and were treated coldly. So they employed the same type of parenting style with my sister and me also. Good thing my sister learned a lot and reads a lot of books on parenting and relationships, so she's working on raising her children in a secure style.

  3. We shouldn't have to be held captive emotionly cause our need / want to show emotional needs to a partner there insensitive is abusive toward there partner its a sign of immaturey

  4. Being rejected and treated like you're not important and nothing you say is right is heartbreaking. My husband is only avoiding at home. He treats coworkers and neighbors friendly and gently. I am the target for all his disdain. And he has no limit to how far he will go.

  5. Thanks so much Professor.
    2nd time with someone and get along much better. hope this time can work out.
    I was in both role. I learned no judgement communication and allow other and myself to heal at nature pace.
    when you pursue, stop blame
    when you avoid, remember to reconnected after sometime.

  6. This video has made me really appreciate how far my avoidant husband has come. And how hard it must be for him to get to this point of growth so far. It also makes me realize how many of our issues are not because of something fundamentally wrong with me. I'm thankful to God for this video because it shows me how to love my husband better, I know the Lord has been telling me to lean on Him for my comfort, He can be what my husband can't be for me right now. And I can still love my husband and respect where he is and trust that the Lord will take care of it, because I can't change him. I'm just so glad to have come across this knowledge, it gives me so much peace.

    We dated for almost 2 yrs. Everything was great. He made me feel like I was important in his life. WE talked about everything. Things changed real fast after we were married. I am at a point now that I'm not confused anymore now that I know what I'm dealing with. I started treating my narcissist like he treats me…being real distant, not loving/caring, not being interested in what was told to me. Spouse finally broke down and asked me "What's the deal" why are you treating me this way? My reply…I'm trying my best to be like you…I think you would be happier if I was like you because apparently you don't like me the way I am. Spouse said "DON'T do the monkey see, monkey do". I asked why….doesn't it make you feel good?…knowing I am being like you. Spouse said "no". I asked…how does it make you feel. Don't answer.. Just think about it and realize that is how you make me feel. Things were better for a while. But still not much communication. Won't look at me when I ask a question. Now, when we are in public or around family/friends it's a completely different story. Almost like we have a normal relationship. The sad part…I love my partner….We do have our good days… but my guard is up all the time.

  8. I am the avoidant one. I know i am an ambivert so I am both extrovert and introvert. So i love to talk ALOT but when my energy is drained out, i will need my "own" me time to do things alone. I do enjoy doing things alone. And so i met this really charming guy and i wanted to know him well. And he told he was into me and i got excited because i was also into him. So we got into a rs but things went sour after that. I realised that i was the avoidant one and he was the anxious one. He told me that by showing love is by seeing each other every day, "clingy" is good because it means that person cant live without his/her partner. So i adjusted myself to see his way of love (my way of seeing love is different= love is when we support each other despite partner doesnt fully support their passion, so that is love. U give trust even when u find it hard to because trust is hard to earn. And letting someone to do things their own that they are passionate to show ur support). And i am a good listener(one of the traits of an introvert), even most of my friends come up to me for problems and i will listen. And of course i am more than happy to listen to his problems. One of them is telling me that he wasnt getting enough attention from me, or i didnt give him enough love or show him my concern. So i did cater to his needs. However, i came to realise that the things that i catered to his needs was the feeling of being controlled. He needs to know where i am, who i talk to, what im doing, how im dressed up, how i talk to guys. I guess that's how they are all anxious abt. Deactivate all my social media accts for him so that he wont feel insecure and make him trust me. Then as months passed, i realised it was exhausting because i needed to have that social life. Even my social friends (both outside social media and inside social media)that i have not talked to for months. And i felt it wasnt right. And there he said i need to sacrifice my social life for him because yup he did the same thing too. It sucks to leave each other because i know both of us still love each other. Just dk how to resolve it. Pretty sad to see that most ppl say avoidant ppl are the narcissists and abusive who are full of themselves when i am actually someone who can be there for someone. But i find him controlling, maybe he was controlling because he was anxious thus needs me to reciprocate his love. When he tried my way of love (by giving each other space and time), he told me that he will try but he wasnt happy. So we parted. I still love him so much but i need my space too. )':

  9. After almost 48 years of a marriage that I will live out the rest of my life in, I now understand more of my wifes personality, and see how I've contributed, and not realised it, to her withdrawal.

  10. Hello again x Harmony is exactly the word I needed to describe my feelings of have love and peace of mind. I would like to find someone who would appreciate me for me and find harmony together. I'm never going to give up searching as I have to much love and need to share it. Not just with my children and animals. Someone for me. Lonelyness can come in all shapes and forms. Fullfilled in one way ,though not in others xxx

  11. Thank you for your awesome advice! My son is the avoidant! I have taken it personally!!! I'm the pursuer!! I never want to argue with him because of fear of losing his love!! Thank you for giving advice on how to not take it personally and for putting myself at ease when talking to him!!!!

  12. For Fathers day he got up very early claimed he had to go to the office paperwork he forgot and then help his friend with vending machines again yet wont even do 1 thing for me at home refuses to pick up his clothes covering every chair, ottoman and floor in the bedroom for 11 months. Hes too tierd! He yells at me.Then I ask why hes going out w him again weird on fathers day he gets furious screams I ALWAYS DO WHAT I WANT ON FATHERS DAY! THEN CLAIMS HE WAS IRRITATED BECAUSE I TEXTED HIM THAT DEHYDRATION CAN BE DEADLY W HIS DIAHREA GET GATORATE EAT A BANANA. OK IM SHOULDN'T CARE WHAT A JURK I AM. which he also did yesterday sat.I ASKED when hed be home so Id know when to make the special things for him he that I shopped for the night before he didn't know I dont want yo givr you s time thdn it be not be the right time(hes the one choosing what time)then later claimed he wasnt a jurk then was nastier. Also yelling that's why I cant tell you anything you go right to you could die yeah and all u need to do is drink a GATORATE HOW AWFUL OF ME

  13. I was in a 4 year LDR with a guy I was head over heels with. I've known him since childhood. A year into our relationship, he confessed to me that he can't express his emotions. He said this to me 'if you want affection, you are barking up the wrong tree'. It's true, he wouldn't caress me, hold me or tell me that he loved me. I once asked him to kiss me goodbye after I had flown 4 states away to be with him and he told me no. I am the complete opposite of him but he won't even compromise. The reason why we broke up is that I told him I felt that he was being distant and very distracted. I asked him to tell me how he feels about me and he became defensive and upset. I let go. He is now married to someone who is just like him.

  14. My husband of 34 years 3 years ago started to make it impossible to make plans for the weekend. At first he started making it so wed only go out to lunch one day and refused to go to movies.Then at that time he met a guy at a bar and started hanging out w him at bars sat AND SUNDAY and said well thats what I like to do! Never would answer why he suddenly did that. We always went out to eat and movies for 30 years!He goes to this guys lakehouse all the time everyweekend for the last 2 summers even now he goes to supply help w this or that yet wont lift a finger at home, seriously.Now he tried to make up one of his many lame excuses and blame me SUPPOSOFLY I SAID SOMETHING, YET HE CANT REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS, BUT WHEN WE WERE OUT HAVING DRINKS I SAID SOMETHING THAT HE CANT REMEMBER BUT THATS WHY HE ALSO WENT OUT TO BARS TILL 3 AND 4 AM FAILED TO EVEN HAVE THE COURTESY TO CALL HIS WIFE AND REFUSED TO ANSWER HIS PHONE ALL NIGHT HIS OTHER NEW THING BESIDES CONSTANTLY HANGING UP ON ME WHEN ID TRY TO SAY WELL YOUR GOING TO THE LAKE HOUSE THURS, FRI, SAT. AND SUNDAY COULD WE GO FOR A DRINK ON SUNDAY WHY NOT MAKE A DEFINATE PLAN HED GET FURIOUS NO LIE FURIOUS OVER ME WANTING TO SPEND TIME W MY HUSBAND.ONCE WHEN I CONFRONTED WHY DID YOU LIE AND SAY WED GO OUT TODAY THEN GO OUT W JIMMY NOT CALL AND PROCLAIM AT 4 PM IM TOO TIERD! OH YEAH I FORGOT U DONT HAVE TO GO TO WORK IN THE MORNING. AS I CRIED BECAUSE IM SO HURT AND FRUSTERATED HE MUMBLED CUNT, BITCH. A NEW LOW THEN GOT LOUDER AND SAID U KNOW WHAT IM LEAVING I ASKED WHY WHAT DID I DO. YOU MAKE NO SENCE. HE REPEATED WHAT DID YOU DO? ILL TELL YOU WHY BECAUSE YOUR STUPID!! YOUR STUPID!! LATER HE APPOLOGISED AND SAID I DONT KNOW WHY I SAID THAT YOUR NOT STUPID ADMITTED HE WAS TOTALLY INNAPPROPRIATE BUT WHAT THE HELL NEW WHITE TRASH BEHAVIOR AFTER 30 YEARS. I CANT BELIEVE NOW MY HUSBANDS IS SO IGNORANT AND VERBALLY ABUSIVE . HES LIKE NO IM NOT.SO WHEN HE SAID I FUCKED IT UP BECAUSE I WAS A BITCH THAT 1 DAY. NO I DIDNT GO OUT TO HAVE DRINKS AND BE A BITCH BUT OK SCAPGOATING.I asked him at the bar why is he still not being affectionate. Our whole marriag hes like I know I'll be more affectionate your right. And I playfully said is it really that hard to put your arm around me or hold my hand to my husband I was shocked when he became instantly furious and said lets go!Then he later admitted I know Im an asshole I dont know why I said that youre right you didnt do anything wrong. I DONT KNOW WHY. THEN LAST NIGHT HE PULLED THAT AGAIN AND SAID YEP YOU FUCKED IT UP THAT DAY YOU WERE A BITCH AND I've ONLY GONE OUT W YOU TWICE SINCE THEN. AND THAT WAS ONLY BECAUSE I HAD TO. GO, NOW GO, GET OUT OF HERE. LEAVE ME ALONE,GO! DO YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE! IM CRYING AND HES LIKE WELL TALK LATER NOW GO! I LOVE YOU. WTF! THATS HOW YOU TREAT YOU SOMEONE YOU LOVE! EVERY WEEKEND I SPEND ALONE HE HAS SABATOGED OUR RELATIONSHIP AS SOON AS HE MET THIS GUY.HE KEPT GOING OUT DRINKING dont know why. I saw something where someone commented narcacist are being possessed crazy but so is this startling new personality!

  15. And then just watch your avoident ice block sooo nicely interacting with their friends…
    It was a very painful and costly experience for me.
    If they are not happy having me around, they might be happy when I am gone.

  16. Do you think it is possible that someone suffers in a relationship because of the avoidant partner, then in their next relationship that same person becomes the avoidant one?

  17. Most guys are not talkers, whereas women love a good natter. For example, guys will happily spend just a few minutes on the phone with friends/family, whereas women spend will spend hours on the phone. In this era of MeTwo women think men should be more like women, and then men get confused. My husband is always drinking. I don't blame it – its a sin to be a man nowadays.

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