A big love problem …

I was spending the night at a friend of mine’s house. After he fell asleep downstairs, I went up to his sister’s room. It was really late. She was away on a trip with his parents, so I was staying in her room. I picked her coat up off of her bed, to go to sleep, and when I did, I smelled her perfume on the collar. I took the coat to the bathroom, I didn’t allow myself to think twice, I inhaled her scent fantasized about making love to her while i masturbated. It was wonderful while it lasted. it felt so good and real. I was 26 at the time, and she was 18. I had never allowed myself to think of her in that way untill that moment. This was 2 years ago. I think about her all of the time. She has always had a crush on me, but I won’t do anything about it. She asked me to go to a concert with her, just me and her. I made up a stupid reason why I could not go and acted nonchalant about it. She is so special, but I can’t care enough about myself to act on my feelings. I have hated myself all my life,and don’t want anyone to love me, but I think I really could love her. She is beautiful, smart, and caring, and has always looked up to me. She would date me even though her parents would not approve. I feel ashamed for doing what I did. But it made me feel close to her. I think I love her, but I know myself all too well. I will wait untill she is in a commited relationship, or finally gets married, and then it will be too late. What is wrong with me? I am hopeless. But I love you.